September 20

What married people don’t tell you about marriage


“If I married God’s will for me, how come things are sometimes so tough between us?” is a question many married women ask, especially those who married the right man for them.

They might not say it out loud but believe me when I say they do. I should know because I have asked that question too. I have also heard it in different forms in various conversations. When my husband and I were courting a.k.a dating, we wanted to make sure we were setting ourselves up for a great marriage. We did premarital classes, prepared (to some extent) for our marriage and got marriage mentors.

This does not include the fact that we had prepared ourselves to be the people for our marriage. This is something that my clients in the Waiting Gracefully Program know to do because I have shown them how to.

By some people’s standards, my husband and I did well in preparing for our marriage. There was no reason why we should struggle in our marriage but we did, especially in the early years.

So, why did we have these rough moments? What was causing it? As I reflected and learned, here are 5 things that became obvious to me. ⠀​

5 Marriage Lessons

One; marrying God’s will for you doesn’t mean you’ll get a pass at not facing challenges. We will all face challenges. The degree of how bad the challenges are will vary from one marriage to another. When you understand this, you will face the challenges in your marriage with the right mindset.

Two; theory and practice are not the same. Until you are in the thick of things, what you have learnt is just that; knowledge. It becomes wisdom as you apply it. But, you can grow in wisdom while you are single and that is by applying what you are learning (if you are learning that is). You can’t apply what you don’t know. ⠀ ​

Three; you are two different individuals going through a transition from individual to couple. It is a process and doesn’t happen overnight. Some things will happen with ease but others will need time and there is no shortcut to that process. Understanding this will help you see that it is not that you married the wrong person. It is that they are an individual with their history before they met you. ⠀ ​

Four; we sometimes refuse to let our flesh, ego and pride (call it what you may) die. This profits no one, especially you. In marriage, you must die daily to your pride and ego. If you want to thrive and enjoy your marriage, then your desires cannot always have their way. This single season is a great time to train yourself in this so that when you get married, it gets easier. ⠀

Five; we don’t put in the work to keep becoming the spouse we are meant to be. The spouse you are on day one isn’t the one you are meant to be on day 9125. Growing is part and parcel of marriage. Your single season is a great time to learn how to grow and mature as a person. This makes it easier to grow and become the spouse your marriage and partner need when it is time. Knowledge is progressive and the best time to gain knowledge is before you need it.

These are some of the lessons I’ve learnt and continue to learn in marriage. I share it so that you know what you need before you get into your marriage.

Now that you know, which of these lessons are you going to run with? Pick one and make this season count for you and the marriage you want.


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